Tag Archives: self-portrait

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twenty-five

self-portrait

25. Woah.

I don’t even know what to say. : D

It’s a change, to be honest. It’s like getting 18. Or 14, or 10, that’s how it feels, a little more important than 24. It didn’t happen overnight though. I have been experiencing this continuously whenever I remembered my age. Not my birthday, I almost forgot I have a birthday, I realized it last week in a shock that it’s already that time of the year, gosh, already, how.

I feel like a 14 years old if I want to be really honest. I feel like I should sit at the children table during family meeting. In work I feel I get treated like a high school student, but that’s fine, I feel like that too. Though my skin looks worse than it did when I was in high school. People treat my work as a hobby. I’m still confused when I have to use formal grammar, so I end up using it all the time, which often ends up uncomfortable either way.
In the same time I noticed lately I get a wave of light anger when the GPS talks to me informally, more than that, tells me what to do, sounds like a scolding. When last year the police were talking to me while I was walking to school, with a sport bag hanging on my side, wearing jeans, sneakers and jacket, looking totally like a student, they were referring to my destination as workplace. In the shop no one even stops to think if they want to see my ID when I buy alcohol. Couple of years ago we were all like “jeez, he is 5 years older, too much”. Now it’s more like “ah, he isn’t even 45 yet, what a hottie”. When buying foundation it getting into my wrinkles is a serious point to consider, and in the past months I had to color my hair to hide my grey hair, it looks uncared otherwise.
Being 24 was a serious crisis mostly around the question to start to act like an adult or not yet, to get treated like an adult or not yet.
The scary thing about 25 is that it’s no longer supposed to be a question. I have no more excuse left.

When I thought about it as a high school student I thought a 25 years old girl is a woman already, should act like one, should be treated like one, taken serious, should have a work, a career, monthly rent, decorated home, perfect skin, travel for holidays, middle-aged men fighting for dates and giving expensive bracelets as present, prepare food at home for herself on weekdays, have a cat, a weekly appointment at the manicure salon, wear dress, high heels, and matching underwear.

It feels as close as Venus to Pluto.
That’s how it feels to celebrate the 25th birthday.
It feels like I unlocked the next level without getting agreed to anything.

Well, I still get to eat the cake. : D

Oh, and look, my bangs are growing!~

self- and other portraits and a sketch

self-portrait

 

a self-portrait. featuring my new favourite lipstick (mac – creme in your coffee). 

sis-portrait

 

my sis asked me to take a photo of her which she can use as a profile photo on facebook and instagram and what else.
she posed for a serious photo, which looked so weird, i made fun of her, she laughed on the situation, and voilá, the moment when you have to take a photo. : D
follow her, and be understanding, she is only learning how to use social media. she is an exo fan, jongin biased, and turning 10 next week. 
i so envy her hair.

mum-portrait

 

my mum also asked me to take a photo of her to change her profile pic. i love her sweater. 
they both look so nice and lovely when they smile. im the only one who looks rather scary when trying to smile. : D

watercolour sketch

 

and a watercolour sketch. i was making myself to paint in really small, and getting into details. small is not for me, but i enjoyed it, it has several layers over each other. 

sketchbook

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another year resolution has been cut. .. i wanted to try grow my hair. i wanted princess long hair : D … gave up. and im so really glad i did. longer hair totally doesnt fit me, and i actually feel twice as happy in my body, when my hair is short.

~

(im feeling physically bad for tagging “selfie” after “selca”. it feels like denying myself, my beliefs, my nature, my world, why..)

tattoo + 0420

new tattoo (without blackberry. looking a little more red than it actually is.. more visible though)

my new tattoo. yaay. i was waiting for long to make this.
its not this red though, as it is on the photo. i dont know why it looks like that on camera. .. or maybe i have seen how it looked like so i dont count this red anymore. .. you have no idea.
my first ever tattoo, and maybe the last, because it hurt way much more than i expected. its white. kind of. with a little yellow undertone. .. like 15% yellow filter. and its 10 days old now, and still a little red as you can see, but its fading away already. it was soaked in blood before. believe me now it looks absolutely fine.

as for the actual visuals … you have no idea what it is right? thats how i wanted it to be. my main goal was that beside me no one else could tell what is there.
i didnt want to design it either. but no one could design it for me in a way i would accept so in the end.. its my design. i love it, i really love it so much. but.. it could have been better if someone else designed it for me. i would see it in a different light.

new tattoo

i wanted to have a tattoo since like 18.
maybe most of you know already from me mentioning it from time to time, here and there, that my dream is the only thing keeps me moving. if i cant reach my dream i have no more reason to exist. there is nothing, not a single thing that makes me move forward, only my will to reach my dream. that exact dream. i never knew how i will get there, and i have never had a plan, and i never make my decisions based on it. i just keep it in my mind, in the back, somewhere. and if i look back, i see that my way there basically builds itself, without me forcefully pushing it. just because i really want it, everything kind of takes me there. though.. and especially lately.. i constantly fear im not good enough to reach it. life puts down the way in front of me, because i want it so much, but im less and less able to live with the chances given to me. less and less worth of it too. .. then i get scared, and numb, and angry at myself. most of the time right after that i start to work twice as harder, and — even if only out of anger — prove myself that i can do it.
sometimes im also trying to analyse it through, why am i worthless of it, and how can i change, and stand in front of my dream proudly. and my biggest-biggest-huge mistake i always make in this life, especially in my work.. is my nervous system. : D i get angry really really quickly. loose my patience over everything, shut the door in front of customers, shout at them because of their idiot ideas, lack of common sense, lack of self-critism, because i dont have the patience to deal with them. and this is my biggest mistake. .. my nervous system and my reaction to – .. basically everything. and this actually can be something that will break everything for me. i am my biggest enemy.
there is a quote (kind of thing) i have met before, and its one of those quotes that .. i literally want to tattoo on myself so i never forget : DD it says (from my memory in a free way) “pessimists are complaining about the wind, optimists wait for the weather to change. and realistic people adjust their sails.” — i hate the wind. it ruins my hair, throws the entire desert into my eyes, makes me tremble through my bones its so cold usually, and i cant even walk properly it pushes me to every direction. i hate the wind. im just going to complain about it. .. and if something bad stays for too long (years), im just loosing my nerve to fight against it and i just hope it changes itself. .. never, never ever trying to use the situation in my own favour. never. and thats what i have to learn to be able to get over myself and reach my dream. thats the only thing i should learn how to do.
i wanted it to be in front of my eyes, this quote. to be reminded to it whenever my brain gets too angry to see anything else than my own two hands. and let me tell you, it works. : ) i have already received requests i got angry over, and i saw it, took two deep breath and realised i can only win in this situation, if not else then experience, and thats basically what i need the most.

so here i have “dream” and “wind”. but im not the kind of person who will just typo it there. its too cliché, and i dont want anyone else to understand it anyway. i only need it for myself, to remind me what is important for me, and how can i reach it.

i used the main characteristic line of W(ind) and (drea)M, and in the middle their common D letter in the same style. and put this 3 letter together. … so basically the geometric lines are for ” W D M ” from WinD and DreaM.
then i wanted something else there too. what are the symbols of these two thing? .. feathers for the wind, usually. but then again, there is no chance of me putting a cliché feather on myself. .. what about the dream? .. dreamcatcher. i like dreamcatches, they keep away the bad dreams. and i need that. i want that on myself. and also the dreamcatcher is the only thing where the feather (the wind) and the dreams get together into a third single thing.
so i took out the main lines from the dreamcatcher. what makes a dreamcatcher to be recognisable? the circle and the things hanging from it from the lower part. so i minimalised it down, the feather is also free hand, the circle is just a one powerful stroke, i added one more to a little lower as if “looking for the correct way”. the middle part of the circle, the part that serves for filtering the bad dreams is occupied by the “wind” and the “dream”. because using the wind will take me to my dream, and my dream is so strong and ultimate that it should never let through anything that makes me doubt i can reach my goal.

there are also two points, you might not see it on the photos. because two is my lucky number : D
and as an additional information to the wind.. is that my element based on my birthdate is the wind. .. and the wind’s colour is white. .. thats not why my tattoo is white, i wanted it white because i dont like the black ones, and i wanted it to be discreet and private and mine. but still.. it kind of fits together. : )

tattoodesigning process

as an additional information for tattoo as a tattoo… IT HURTS! … i counted myself as someone who bears paint quite well. first of all because im a female. we do have to bear quite some natural pain, we live with it. and im kind of okay with it. im the kind of person who if hits some bodypart to blood just says “oh.. auch”, and has no problems with hair removal, moreover, i actually enjoy waxing and honey massage. i thought i can bear pain. i knew everyone said tattoo hurts, but i was like “yea, okay, they say wax hurts too”. let me tell you, tattooing does hurt, thats not an urban legend, it hurts!
and then it is full of blood. and you have to wash it in every 3 hours, and then cover with clean bandage again. for 2 days. then using baby cream over it in every couple of hours for 2 weeks. the skin starts to get off from it. .. my white one looked (-s?) like i actually cut myself.

i love it though : D im so happy i made it, its always with me (until it disappears because its white..). im glad i made it.

an advice: .. i received this advice before i made it, but i didnt get to actually understand, now i see. … i was looking for a really good tattoo artist. i didnt care the style, i just wanted it to be a professional, a really good one, with 10000+ tattoos behind him. … thats not how you should do it. look for the artist in him. i found a good girl, who made it, she really was good. but her style was far from what i wanted. and even though i asked her to make it, and the style i want is kind of sketchy so its not a big thing, everyone makes sketches. … she still failed to make the design, her own style was too strong, half of what i said she didnt even hear, and we ended up me designing the entire thing.
you should look for the artist, who creates in the style you want to have. who did a similar styled tattoo before, not just one, and not just one hundred. thats your no1 to look for, have the patience to find him.

me and blackberry~

… aaand thats a photo of me, and blackberry. : D this weekend we bought two little rabbits. … among others.
he is one of them. the other is a little lady, creamy coloured, and her name is almond. they are really cute, and so soft.
did you know that rabbits doesnt give out any sound? by “any sound” i really mean that not a single sound. .. i dont think they even can create any sound. thats so weird. i didnt know that.

 

140208 – just a saturday – self-portrait film

i wanted to do something “whatever” : D
it was on saturday

its an unlisted vid, because .. im not sure if i should share it public. ^^’ better not. those of you who follow me here and there know about it, those who not wont see it, i guess its better this way, no one who i dont want will see it.